Nothing has really felt right this year. We barely had the money to go out and do anything we did the years before. My amazing husband splurged and took me to the beach for my birthday. Just one day, but it was nice. It just didn't feel right. Neither did spooky season and Halloween, my favorite time of the year. I'm afraid the holiday season won't feel right, either. I've finally learned to love Christmas again because having a child changed how we celebrated. But this year, I'm afraid it's going to be like the years before she was born and just be another day. I want it to be magical. I don't think the state of the world will let it be.

It doesn't help when we go over to a certain family member's house and they spew right wing dogwhistles and blame the possible coming power grid shutdown on immigrants and not the fact that our power grid is decades out of date and the government would rather spend money on war, ballrooms, golf trips, and god tier healthcare for a dying wannabe dictator. The same certain family member we're expected to have dinner with on my least favorite, historically inaccurate holiday (food's good though.)

I know I shouldn't let it all get to me. My grandparents survived the Great Depression. Handmade and hand-me-down clothes, lucky to have an orange and a few pieces of hard candy in their Christmas stockings, living on next to nothing, forraging for food. But things are different now. I rely on multiple medications to keep me alive. My immune system is in the shitter. I'm allergic to everything and my asthma would take me out in an instant if I couldn't get my meds. My daughter has underlying medical issues that may rear their ugly heads later in life.

Be it power grid failure, false flag event, or nuclear war (most likely false flag) things are going to be a lot different than they were for us in the 30s and 40s. I'm genuinely scared.

I hate the way I was raised to believe the USA was the be all and end all for excellence on Earth. It didn't take me long to realize it was all bullshit, but damn if I'm not mourning the life we were promised when we were growing up. What a fucking joke.