I want to throw away religion entirely, but every time I try, I feel the pull of some diety.

I don't even know how it would work. I'm so jaded and angry at any diety that may exist. What do you mean you may possibly be omnipotent and can't even prevent children from getting cancer or protect them from predators? Why should I worship something that doesn't give a fuck about the most innocent of our species?

But I've been feeling the tug of two very different things. At night, I dream about a Catholic church that I've never seen before. I dream that I join the church, which is wild as hell if you know anything about my upbringing. But when I'm awake, I feel like something is pulling me towards paganism. I love the idea of goddesses. Hekate and Artemis in particular.

But as much as I want to worship a woman and have her guide my life, why should I? The gods and goddesses of her existence don't care about us. I refuse to believe any of them do the way the world works. How could any empathetic, loving being see the suffering of the human race and not do anything to end it? Or better yet, prevent it?

Then, in some weird way, the fire and brimstone of my upbringing sill scares me. I find myself looking into a paganism and closing all the tabs out of fear of the flames of Hell.

I don't know what gods exist, but I'm so sick of them all. Do better.