It took today, 33 years, for me to realize that even more of my childhood just wasn't fucking right.

My anxiety spiked, leading to a full blown panic attack due to some personal things. And during that anxiety spike, I fell back into old habits that I had sort of forgotten about. Binge eating being one of them. Pacing and catastrophizing being two others.

It took the fourth trip to the fridge and the stupidest food I've created in a while (cheese balls consisting of cream cheese mixed with shredded cheese wrapped in sliced turkey) for me to realize that I had spent the entirety of my childhood and young adult years binging not because I was an undiciplined, greedy pig like I'd been called so many times throughout my life, but because I had anxiety. It was a coping mechanism.

I wasn't a cry baby or a drama queen like my parents loved to call me. I needed help, and no one cared. I didn't have meltdowns because I didn't get my way. I had meltdowns because I was stressed and was never taught how to deal with stress and intense emotions.

I had a 3 year battle with insomnia triggered by stress and not one person cared to figure out why I couldn't sleep. All I got was "close your eyes and go the fuck to bed!" I spent months laying in bed with one of the worst depressive episodes I'd ever had and all you did was stand at my door and judge me instead of getting me help. "You need to get up! Your muscles are starting to atrophy! Why are you being so lazy?" I WAS SUFFERING AND YOU DIDN'T CARE. YOU NEVER FUCKING CARED. EITHER OF YOU.

And right now I hear all those whiny little voices in my head saying, "you should be more empathetic to the people who raised you. They didn't know what they were doing." But you know what? I'm a first time parent and I know how to deal with my child's meltdowns without any guidance. I'm not dragging her through volitile living situations or putting her down for having emotions or refusing to believe her when she says something happened to her. How hard is it to not treat other people like shit, especially a child? Holy fuck.

No, I'm not ok. No, I don't want to talk to anyone. Just let me vent.